Why or how do you use Facebook?

Lindsay Durham, 15 – I love Facebook because it’s a good way to talk and keep up with friends, organize school events, and ask questions.  Like why does Becky Cole think she has a chance with Brad Jenkins?  Everyone knows that Brad and Jenny are so getting it on.  She’s just so pathetic!  And I use Facebook to update cheerleading practices, pep rallies and try to figure out whether  or not I’m going to go to Jimmy Harper’s birthday party because if Kyle is going, I’m totally not because he has a crush on me and that’s just gross!

Mitch Jacobson,  27 – Apparently, I use Facebook to accept friend requests from people that I have never hung out with, read their stupid ass comments which reminds me why I have never hung out with them.

Bethany Campbell, 42 – Well, let’s see… I use Facebook to see who my husband is trying to fuck this week!

Hockey Youth Camps Canceled Due to Untrained Instructors

Raleigh – The Raleigh Youth Hockey Association has reported that all summer youth hockey camps for 2013 have been canceled.  A spokesperson for the Carolina Junior Hurricanes made it clear that the camps were not canceled by the Carolina Hurricanes, but rather due to a lack of interests by the youth.

Further investigation proved that interest in hockey is still very much alive in North Carolina.  However, the youth would like to learn how to be competitive and win games which poses a problem since the would-be instructors have had difficulty battling through that learning curve themselves.

On a positive note, organizers from the Raleigh Youth Hockey Association and the National Hockey League are teaming up to send a few lucky youth along with the entire Hurricanes team to hockey camps later this summer.  Pros and coaches from winning programs will lead these hockey camps and instruct both the youth and the Carolina Hurricanes on the basic fundamentals of hockey.

Yahoo Set to Buy Social Media Giant and Make it Completely Irrelevant

Yahoo! is putting together a deal to buy the social blogging site, Tumblr for an estimated $1.1 Billion.  This is the largest contract Yahoo has ever put together to purchase a perfectly in tune social media site in hopes of making it an inferior product since it acquired and destroyed Flickr in 2005.

Yahoo’s CEO, Marissa Mayer hinted that her engineers are looking forward to adding Yahoo systems and other integration on the backend of Tumblr’s sleek, simplistic, yet advance microblogging platform, making it one of the most overly complicated and worthless pieces of shit to date.

Other than just fucking up Tumblr’s internal workings, Yahoo has vowed to clog up its users dashboards by adding Yahoo Stream Ads.

“Financially speaking, we hope that a few of Tumblr’s 150 million bloggers or its 300 million monthly visitors will finally click on that Tide with Bleach ad, or one of the other few thousand annoying advertisements that constantly blink somewhere on the webpage until the reader is frustrated enough to click on it, attempt to delete it, or just completely leave the site all together” added Mayer.

Upon hearing the news, many long time Tumblr bloggers are jumping ship and seeking literary refuge within WordPress, Blogger, Blog.com or Jux.  However, some have decided to stay and embrace Yahoo’s takeover.

Jake Mustian, owner and head writer of the satirical blog, The Know stated, that he believes this is a positive thing, especially for people who create comedy.  “Think about it, now when I write a segment that’s not funny, it’s all on me, I just sucked.  But when Yahoo takes over, and my stories aren’t entertaining, people will probably give my the benefit of the doubt because I was forced to use Tumblr, powered by Yahoo, and it’s hard to be funny when you’re so fucking frustrated!”

Yahoo’s takeover of Tumblr could come as early as next year, which luckily still gives Yahoo developers just enough time to come up with an assortment of useless and undesired features for Tumblr.

Washington Governor Keep High Standards

Olympia — Washington’s Governor, Christine Gregoire invited all of the mayors who supported her on the legalization of marijuana to the governor’s mansion for a brainstorming session behind closed doors this weekend.  It was not clear what the agenda had been, yet some journalist felt that it had something to do with the junk food that kids eat, due to the large number of empty Totino’s Pizza Rolls boxes, cans of Pringles, and empty sleeves of Oreo’s found in the mansion’s garbage. 

The White House Rules, a New Reality TV Show

A new off-the-cuff reality show titled, The White House Rules is currently being filmed in Washington DC.  The show is rumored to have a powerful cast of politicians such as Eric Holder, Hillary Clinton, Leon Panetta, and top officials from the IRS, CIA, and the military.

The White House Rules follows President Obama, an unsociable leader who has to deal with potential impeachable scandals.  Most scandals will emerge involving one of the commander-in-chief’s own appointed staff, but don’t be surprised to see twist and turns thrown in by the banking industry, which produces the show.

Insiders and whistleblowers say that the scandals and lies are so constant an evolving that it is almost impossible for the cast members to sweep everything under the rug.  One Washington insider even quoted, “The crimes and infractions committed in this series make the Watergate scandal seem like good honest politics.”

Each week President Obama will have to decide who resigns, who goes to jail, and who will ultimately get a presidential pardon while trying to keep his own ass from being fried.

One Castro shows that Hitting Golf Balls is More Gratifying than Hitting Women

The Players Tournament ended yesterday, and if followed you would have witnessed exciting golf play along with some controversy, due to one golfer named Roberto Castro.  Castro is an unknown golfer who tied Greg Norman and Fred Couples for the course record after shooting a 63 in the first round.  This should have been Castro’s time to shine in the spotlight; however that was made difficult as he had to share that spotlight with 3 other Castro’s who made Fidel Castro look like a saint.

While Castro was knocking in back-to-back birdies, the kidnapping Castro brothers were being covered by every news source in the Western Hemisphere for knocking up female slaves.  This seemed to irritate the golfer as he was overheard telling his caddy:

“I finally make my mark on the God Damn golfing world, but I barely have a fucking gallery because of 3 fucktards who I share a common last name with!  This is some bullshit!”

Castro was referring to a very small crowd of spectators who followed him which normally would have been larger and louder in support of a player whose name didn’t give them goose bumps.

After his almost perfect round, journalists asked the questions everyone wanted to know: “How did you make your club selection on #17?”  “What was going through your mind during that final putt on #18?” and “Are you any relation to the Castro brothers who kidnapped, beat and rapped those three young girls?”

During the post match interview, Castro only seemed to want to talk about golf and not why he thought the name Castro was synonymous to crime.

“All Castro’s aren’t criminals!  If you haven’t noticed, this interview is going on because I just shot a fucking 63!  Do you know how hard that is?”

“Probably not as hard as living as a sex slave for 11 years, jerk” yelled a spectator.

The Players Championship ended with a Tiger Woods win, yet the bigger story is how Castro’s name will be forever stamped in golf history.  For a Castro showed the world that although you’re genetic DNA may have you pegged as a potential violent and inhuman criminal, he showed that it is better having a ball land in a sand-trap than trapping a woman in your basement.

Cruise’s Fashion Line, Derailed

Suri Cruise has decided not to launch her clothing in lieu of criticism by other top designers.  Specifically, the Olsen Twins bashed the 7-year-old noting that her style was almost laughable.  Mary-Kate told Vogue Magazine that she really did not expect much from someone who waited until they were 7 to launch a company while reminding everyone in the room that she and her sister Ashley had been working hard since they were 6-months-old.

Birthday Announcements

Happy Birthday to Senator Chad Barefoot!  Sen. Barefoot is the youngest member of the Senate and has come a long way from his debut as Ray Boyd in Jerry Maguire.  In an exclusive interview, Mr. Barefoot was eager to discuss the three talking points that won him the election: The human head weighs 8 pounds; Bees and dogs can smell fear; His next door neighbor has three rabbits.

US NEWS: Things are looking up, America!

The US Government announced hours ago that the unemployment rate has dropped to 7.5%, and salaries have increased.

In related news: 

Obamacare has cured Americans of all diseases and ailments.  To celebrate, George Jones and Whitney Houston have decided to pay homage by returning from the dead and playing a concert this Saturday night.